Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
