you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
