OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
