I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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