i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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