You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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