Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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