I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
