My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
