she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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