the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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