Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
