This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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