I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
