just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
