Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
