its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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