A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
