and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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