How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
