i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
