I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
