i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
