Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
