The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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