and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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