she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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