My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
