Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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