my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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