I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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