I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
