he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
