The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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