she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
