Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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