did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
