Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
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