He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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