Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
