so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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