I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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