Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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