It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
