dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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