I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
