not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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