i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
