I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
