yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Randomize
