I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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