I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize