you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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