I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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