That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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