I wish my penis had an off switch
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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