I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
