He asked to "fluff my boner.."
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize